2013

To be honest, I don't really remember much of what all went down in 2013, but again I do. I never did anything big from anyone else's standpoint, as I mainly just do the same thing day by day. Just sit around and do whatever. I mostly never leave the house unless I have to. I suppose I'm more of an introvert that way. Or my life mainly revolves around a schedule of where I have to be. Whatever floats your boat.


Though, this year I did get into anime. My first anime was Angel Beats in the summer of 2012. I only agreed to watch it because my friend was bugging me over facebook to watch it. I'm guessing he had just gotten done with it and wanted to discuss it with someone. Plus it was late at night and I had nothing better to do. At first I thought it was boring, then I got about five minutes into it and instantly fell in love with the anime. I deemed it to be an interesting show with many feels. heh. I remember telling my sister about it and her telling me that the only anime's she's watched was Death Note. She said we'd watch it sometime.

Though, that never happened. Sometime in the beginning of 2013, maybe a few weeks after I stopped. Stopped what? -I'll get to that later. It was probably the weekend because I remember staying up late at night and overwhelmed with boredom. I remember about Death Note and searched it up to watch it. I also remember my sister getting mad at me that night because she saw me watching it. She was mad because I wasn't watching it with her. At that point, I was already maybe 10 episodes in and refused to start over for her sake. I eventually did start watching it with her though maybe when I was halfway finished.
Death Note was the start of my anime obsession. Then it was Black Butler, then Ouran, and then other random anime that happened to be on Netflix. All in all I watched about 38 anime over the year, give or take. Ahaha, what a great start of an anime obsessed year.

People can make fun of me all they want for liking anime, but you could say it saved me from a life of sadness. I've only ever told two people this, but I suppose anyone who bothers to read this article will know now. I had depression for about a year, maybe even a little more. Winter of 2011-early year of 2013. Though, I did self-harm during that time. Slashes to the wrists&ankles&thighs. Digging my nails in my arm until it bled. Slamming my head on various objects, sometimes even punching myself in the head until all I could hear was a faint ringing. Once until I fell unconscious. It was over such little things too.
I vaguely remember how it started. It was for some stupid reason too. I remember it being after a trial for Mock Trial. My father had just started dating again and my sister was the only one who didn't know. She doesn't take such subjects as change well. I slipped up and told her about it casually, but she freaked out and her response was through whimpered tears. I cannot handle sadness contained within other people. All I wish to do is shut myself out and not get involved or else the emotion transfers over to me. I go numb. Probably why I rarely cry over tv shows or movies.
That was a dark night for me. Everything that had ever bothered me that I brushed off rushed at me at once. From little mistakes I've made to my true feelings over my parents' actions over their divorce and current significant other. Everything that I had bottled inside me. I remember sitting in the bathroom crying wondering what I did wrong to cause my sister sadness. I remember thinking it was all my fault. I remember hating myself so much that I thought I deserved pain. I clawed at myself with my hands until I bled as I cried. It still was not enough. I was bashing my head against the wall and looking for some sort of sharp object. I'm going to end this story here.
I do find myself wondering sometimes if anybody ever noticed. When in fact, two people did. One being my best friend for years now, and the other I rarely talk to nowadays. One I straight out told and the other grabbed my arm and demanded to know what the markings were. Cornered me. Yet, neither of them confronted me about it after they knew. I'm sure it was too much of a shock for them. It's not easy to help someone when they are too far down the hole they've dug themselves.
How did I stop? Well, it all started and ended the same way: my sister. She had gotten upset with me one day and holed herself in out room for the rest of the day. During this time, she trashed my stuff and discovered the journal I'd been keeping since 5th grade where I wrote down thoughts. She found out then about my depression, self-harm, and my suicidal thoughts. All she could do was cry as she confronted me about it. I realized then how stupid I was. How much trouble I was causing people. At the time, I was already trying to help myself by doing this free online counseling thing I had discovered. But it was at that moment how much I realized that I did not want to make anyone feel unhappy because of me. I stopped with the cutting and slowly started to become more truly happy. The more I watched anime, the happier I became.
You never really recover from such a thing though. I still have trouble expressing my feelings and from time to time, I still thinking about self-harming. But I think to myself, why? Why do I have the need to hurt myself over such trivial matters I have no control over? For anyone who's still bothering to read thing, I wish to say to not approach me on  this topic. You can try, but I most likely won't respond. I only wish to forget, but then I suppose that would be acting like it never happened, when in fact, it did.

But hey, I can started 2014 feeling content. There were other good things that happened over the course of the year. My did did get a new girlfriend and just recently they got engaged. I'm still a little wary since they haven't even known each other for a full year and she had just gotten divorced, but I can tell they really love each other. She's also really nice and fun to talk to. Though, I find it a bit weird that when they get married I'll have two step-brothers. They are both in they're twenties and I haven't talked to them yet because I am too shy to approach people I don't know. I'm sure it'll all work out though. I'll maybe even get to know them better in March where my dad and I plan to go to Arizona with her family for a week. That should be fun.

Also in 2013, I became closer to my friend Alyssa. We met over the internet in maybe 2010-2011, I forget. We roleplayed a lot on this forum, which sadly shut down later in the year. I suppose that is what triggered us to get closer though [if that's even possible because we were already like BFFs] We gradually told each other our real names and found each other's facebooks. Now we talk on snapchat almost everyday. We even plan to meet each other sometime after highschool. Too bad she's only in 10th grade though, teehee. I remember her telling me she joined FFA too so maybe we can meet at national convention. I do hope we can meet some day!

I also got my driver's license over the summer when I turned 16. After that, I've had more freedom to do things, even though I still never leave the house. It's hard for me to get used to the fact that I can actually do things now. My parents never really resisted me with anything, but I felt bad to leave them if I was at their house that day. I still feel that way, but I'm trying to live outside the schedule I've been following since I was 9. Maybe I can achieve that in 2014.

Much more has happened in the time of 2013, but it's much to discuss and type. Lots of happy and sad moment. Much tumblr and much anime if you wish to summon up mine. Much loving friends I've come closer to or drifted apart. I'd wish you all a happy new year, but I can't guarantee that every moment of the year will be happy. I do wish, though, that you are overall happy with the new year of 2014. Best of wishes~

If that did not fill your insides with warmth, then here is my favorite new years tumblr post so far~ clicky click